A Place To Start Over or I Had A Bucket List

I have taken quit a break from life. A big broad stroke against all things that came near me. Just recently I realized it was meant to be. I had a very clear mission and purpose for years. I found joy everyday in what I was doing so well from years of practice but the odd thing is it just gave up one day. If I was honest I would admit it gave up over the course of many long days but the day I really gave up was the day I realized I had checked off the "Bucket List".

I was given notice the day my mother fell really ill. For a year after that I drowned myself in saving her. The second notice was my husband deciding to have an affair so blatant I  recreated my home life to pretend he didn't exist. For so long I just I just kept going, doing what I thought was the right thing, and then I looked at my list,

Become a waiter.... well as a child going to the Benson Hotel..... check
Live alone... at age twelve that was a dream....  done at age 15
Become a fashion designer for bands...  check, age 19
Work in the film business...... check
Wear a work of art.... check
Sell my paintings to real collectors.... check
Own an art gallery..... check
Live in Los Angeles or New York and kick ass.... check
Change a social issue (fight for something I believe in with all of my heart) .... check mate
Golf in Hawaii... done
Hang glide... done
Meet people who challenge the world's thought...... done
Travel always.... the only thing I gave up
Learn everything and be kind while I do........ uh really?
Meet a soulmate.... never really did
Have children to share everything the world has to offer.... a work in progress
Create a domestic nirvana we never had growing up.... must have been drug induced

Well that is a really short version of my list but just accept that it was done by age 31. I gave up on me after that. I had finished my goals and handed it over but guess what....

Mama has a new list


The quiet beauty is folks don't read my blog anymore.... so my children this is a funky mom thing and I love you

Wave The Banner

Slowly I reach for my felting needles and begin to gear up to reopen my fiber art business. The funny thing I notice is the world of commerce jetted on without me so I may settle into the improvements without suffering the growing pains.

Etsy has become more user friendly  and I chuckled recalling the decade long loading of a single picture years back. Now I can toss my work up with only a moment to spare.

The biggest thrill was discovering I can make a banner on my power point program on my cute little Mac laptop. It is a bit wobbly due to the time it took me to figure it out and the time allotted for the procedure but I look forward to improving my skills and providing an new banner as the seasons change.

My studio space is filling with tufts of wandering roving and the baskets are filling with treasure.

The Last Hour

My sister has asked a favor from me,

Ten wishes for the new moon.

She was given an outline to follow. I have until midnight. So ...I have been thinking all night.While I ponder I am  cleaning and changing every corner of my life, focused on the things that effect me right now.

I stop and realize I have the rest of my life to worry about now, I am grateful she is by my side for the traveling that will follow.

The first wish she gave to me,

1. I wish for the health , Wealth , and happiness of my family and friends.

2. I wish for the power to forgive

3. I wish for my children to find a true path

4. I wish for my path to be followed

5. I wish to be true to myself and others

6. I wish that every choice I make will be with intent and not from false hope or fear

7. I wish I will find a path that brings me money to support my children without relying on my ex husband

8. I wish I will enjoy the company of others again and not be focused on my life

9. I wish to keep my home

10. I wish health, happiness and wealth for the world

The Single Mom's Guide To Sleeping In

For the last thirteen years sleeping was just a fantasy. Something drunk college students were allowed to do with abandon but mom's were held to strict guidelines in my world. If I happened to sleep in the children would certainly perish from lack of nutrition and guidance. It also happens that every team, class and outing starts promptly at 9:30 am Saturday morning. After all in order to be an upstanding member of our great society we must maintain a healthy schedule full of activity and lacking rest.

At some point in your life you may find yourself alone for the weekend practicing "visitation" with dad. You have finally been awarded your rite to sleep in!

First you must stay up late, really late, otherwise your internal clock will think you are joking. To stay awake I suggest you do something you love. For me it is painting and reading and bugging old friends on the phone. I notice I tend to report my progress on Facebook as if the would needed to know I was sitting on the floor playing with old paint.

No need to follow my lead it could be things I don't enjoy so much like knitting or auto mechanics. One thing I would discourage is Farmville, although I have never played it myself I hear some folks become addicted and play for up to ten hours at a time. This will defeat the purpose of actually getting the sleep you need for "in" part. I have also received threats that if I don't tend to some random person's produce I will be responsible for a world food crisis. This does not lend itself to the peaceful nature of this process.

Under no circumstance should you cook or clean. This can lead to night terrors and you may find yourself wide awake at 4 am unable to drift back to sleep because you forgot to unload the dish washer or turn off the iron.

In my case I have dogs who tend to wake me up around 5 am. The solution for me is lock them downstairs with that old baby gate. They will protest but this is where the Benydril (for the dogs) and  headphones (for you) come in. After a short while your dogs will be so drugged they can't bark. To hell with PETA they don't have dark circle under their eyes.

You will wake up at random times worried about the children. To solve this issue I post notes telling me     "the children are not home go back to sleep you idiot"

The last element for success is the alarm clock. Yes, I know what you are thinking, why on earth an alarm clock when the purpose is to sleep with wild abandon? Well, your internal clock will keep waking up to check the time. You want to sleep in not sleep all day, that would be just too Jerry Springer. So I want to at least sleep until 9 am but  past 11:30. So I set my clock for 12. That way it only annoys me in the case of an over sleep emergency. 

To top off your victory I highly recommend coffee in bed.

I Will not Be Defeated!

There are some things we learn in our young adult years that translate in to our settled adult years. For me today it was poverty. Before and during college I would often find myself with near empty cupboards. Independence has a price which doesn't always have a happy marriage with the price of food. I would sift through the random ingredients I had on hand and create dishes palatable enough for me to welcome guests or at least stave off hunger.

Today my day was carefully planned and very full. Part of the plan was to venture out into food land and restock but just around dinner time I found myself rooting around my kitchen for the "I didn't get to the store dinner". This is not the same situation as years past because I have the makings for a lame "sorry family we can cook together another day" dinner. I really needed to have a family dinner complete with the team helping so I quickly assessed and this is what I came up with.

While the frozen fat pork chops were thawing (got them on sale for $2.43 and quickly forgot I froze them) I chopped up the almost ready to toss veggies I found and sautéed the liquid off. The day old half baguette was toasted as bread crumbs, seasoned and tossed with the veggies. They looked a wee bit dry so butter and that left over chicken stock was added to the mix.

The pork chops thawed quickly and were browned, split and stuffed. So I tossed them in the oven and steamed the last of the carrots which were lightly seasoned. OK, a grain, veggies and protein.

30 minutes from start to finish and dinner was ready. While the kids set the table I grabbed a sauce pan to which I added butter, brown sugar, vanilla, frozen peaches from my smoothie stash and orange juice. I left it over low heat while we ate.

Dinner was a success and Stella noted it was so delicious! While we did the dishes we brought the peach sauce to a boil for a reduction and toasted up some angel food cake. My kids have never had this kind of cake and I am not sure why I brought it into the house. Redemption perhaps? By the time the dishes were done the sauce and cake was ready. The kids cleaned their plates.

The entire meal for four people cost me around around $4.30 max. It was nice to use the skills I had learned when I was in a culinary pinch.

Just a Thought...

Today I had a random day of bliss.

I noticed a few things that before were just feelings. You know how you just have a gut response to life? Today gave me words for the feelings I have. A quickly gathered group of friends gave me a peaceful outlook.

If you just let children BE they are surprisingly good at it.

So often we try and control everything about our children. We manage their social lives, food, language and learning. What if we live in a way we believe and allow them the freedom to explore stuff that makes us uncomfortable? I have learned they will always most likely go back to what is right in their family culture if we are true to ourselves.

What if we don't stage photo opportunities for future advertisements about how well we are doing as parents? What if we allow them to create and don't label every project as beautiful. The process is the learning and growth. I did take many photos today. I wanted to post them on flikr for my friends who attended. I studied the whole day as a teacher. Looking back I am so impressed with our children. I am so impressed with us as families. We had no expectations for perfection. We didn't need to impress each other. The outcome was startling.... the kids were engaged and gentle with each other. The parents were relaxed and had so much fun.

Wow, that is hard. It is hard because we are always judged. I wonder who is judging? Usually I find the parent or educator that is so quick to offer advice in a negative fashion has a mess in their own den. As a teacher it is hard to admit weakness but once you do you serve the student because you are open to learning.

Today we all just allowed it to happen. I didn't hear one parent direct a child on which piece of pottery to pick or how to paint it. We didn't have to prove ourselves worthy of our posts so it was relaxed. The children responded with a free joy and I didn't hear one moment of redirection.

Today I saw a peaceful harmonious gathering. We could have picked up on cues from others advice from the past and judged each of us but I found we were all relaxed and enjoying the freedom to just BE.


So the bottom line for me is just let folks be..... kind to each other.. and know we will all be good at what we do.

At Least I can Depend On Some Thingss

My kids are full of surprises. Some are magical and some just, well.......

There are some things I can depend on but wonder why I have to. Today one habit my son has is on my mind.

Why is it empty food containers make it back to the refrigerator with a religious zeal and yet half full are left out to go bad?